I am packing.
More like getting ready to pack. I am packing to go somewhere. Where? I don’t yet know. A year from now I will be settled into some other classroom in some other school somewhere in this city. At least that’s the plan. Job postings aren’t out yet. So I have no idea on most of this.
I have two feet firmly planted in the day to day intensity of what I do. But I also have a few feet walking in circles in the land of unknown possibility. Pacing. Circling. Wondering. I have a toe reaching out to imagine other places. A younger grade? An older class? I have restless feet that don’t know how to be still.
Clearly, I don’t have enough feet.
My head is full of a soundtrack that I need subtitles to understand. Or a “how to think about it all” manual. Like swirling clouds on a fast wind, all of this speeds by while I stand in a frozen sort of limbo. I am no longer tethered to this place that has been such a part of my life. But as I don’t belong anywhere else yet, I am still so very, very home in this classroom, in this school, where I have worked for more than two decades. This is who I am. But soon, very soon, it won’t be. I still belong but I almost don’t.
I am walking quickly on an unclear path.
I am standing sideways where I have always been.
I am twirling slowly looking for a new center.
I am all kinds of lost.
I go through the motions of beginning to pack. It is more about pretending to be productive. Attempting to find a movement train and jumping aboard.
Packing right now is not yet about boxes. It is about sorting. About shifting – piles and energy. I stop often and just stand in the middle of my classroom and take it all in. Maybe somehow if I look at everything just the right way, I will find clarity.
I need to know which way I am turning.
It needs to be more than just away.
Those unreal goodbyes need to begin.
I will hold them tight and then let them go.
We can’t really capture where we’ve been until we are pointed in a new direction.
Just being in it is too murky. Too much of not yet.
I feel dizzy standing still.
Stepping into tomorrow is becoming more about the unknown than the known. One foot in front of the other. Moving away while still here. Looking at nothing through cloudy glass.
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