The act of writing is fascinating. With words we can strip experiences down to their bare bones truth. Or, we can dress up our reality to be almost unrecognizable. The truth quotient? Sometimes even the writer cannot accurately measure it.

In our stories, we are selective with details. What do we choose to leave out? What doesn’t make the cut? What do we emphasize? How does this impact our truth?

Where do we spin things away from what really happened? No matter what the intentions, we do it. To highlight something essential. To add drama. To protect privacy. When we are not brave.

Sometimes we write around what we should not share. We leave hints that likely, only we, ourselves could figure out. Other times, we nudge things a little closer to actually being exposed. But, because we are so very precise in what we do and don’t say, we are still playing it safe.

There are stories that unravel almost exactly as they occurred. Simply changing a defining detail, leaving out a name, not identifying a gender and we keep our subject hidden. If we so choose. Sometimes, there is no reason to be secretive.

Some stories keep rising to the surface, asking to be told. Some emotions can only be soothed when we tell their story. How can we reconcile this with what is permitted? The truths with free passes are often quite quiet. The truths that must not be shared wail and whine.

When we write daily, it is not about not enough choices, it is about too many. Immediately, many are eliminated because they are not to be shared. Or they are not ready. Or we misunderstand them. We don’t yet know the words.

I have particular truths that are desperate to be released. They are the stories that haunt me. I would like to literally fasten them to the page and set them free. No, that is not true. I would like to walk away and set myself free.

I long to write them with the truth quotient turned up high.

But I don’t yet dare.

I am participating in the Slice of Life challenge to write and publish a post every day in March.

Slice of Life is hosted by Two Writing Teachers. I thank them for the community they provide. Read more slices here.

I teach a reading warrior.

She is fierce. She is determined. She is ruthless.

I admire her tenacity. This child reads all day. She reads during Reading Workshop. When she should. She reads when she is supposed to be doing other things. Because she must. During play time, she brings books that are currently beyond her to any available adult. “Can you read this to me?” “Now?”

She swims in words. She spins around in them. She is a reader. She will stop at nothing.

My eye is drawn to her all morning. She sits at her table reading, books spread all around her. She reads aloud to herself. With expression. With enthusiasm. When she is unsure of a word, she walks over to me. “Does this say ___?” she will ask. When I nod, she swings her eyes back to the text, a proud smile erupting on her face and walks back to her area. To read. More. And more. And more. At recess, we need to shoo her out. Gather the books she has surrounded herself with. Break her reading spell.

“Tell me about this reading. How do you feel?” I ask her.

” I am getting good at reading. It’s so fun,” she tells me.

“Why is it so important to you?”

“I could be a teacher,” she says.

“You already are,” I tell her.

She smiles. Beautifully. Hugely. Wonderfully.

I have a reading warrior.

I am participating in the Slice of Life challenge to write and publish a post every day in March.

Slice of Life is hosted by Two Writing Teachers. I thank them for the community they provide.

I just finished two nights of parent/teacher conferences. For the first time in my career, I barely reached for report card copies. Yes, we talked academic growth and progress. Worries were mentioned. Questions were asked. But it was not really about that.

It was about recognizing the vulnerabilities. About bearing witness to history. About honouring the family. Celebrating the child.

I felt needed. Needed differently than the children need me. But needed all the same.

I noticed what was unspoken. I felt it in the unsure eye contact. The fidgety hands. The brave smiles. The tears.

Tell me something lovely.

Show me that you love my child.

Share a happy story.

Confirm somehow you don’t judge me.

Agree to not mention my mistakes.

Make school feel like a safe place.

And so I shared.

“Let’s talk about this child! This child of yours. This child we share. Here is what I notice. Here is what I treasure. Here is what I celebrate!”

All day I teach these children. I know their courage, their persistence and their frustrations. I know things of their dreams. What they avoid. Their idiosyncrasies.

I don’t really know their parents. They don’t really know me. But we share a child in common. And that is huge.

These gifts I received were unexpected. Trust. Gratitude. Joy. Pride. From adults. These parents. In 15 minute sessions, we swooped up, dove down, glided. I witnessed sorrow and shame. Elation and relief. Quiet, bursting pride.

If we are true teachers, we are huge learners. I did a lot of learning at these conferences. These evenings where we pushed assessments and curriculum to the side and agreed, “Let’s talk about this child.”

I am participating in the Slice of Life challenge to write and publish a post every day in March.

Slice of Life is hosted by Two Writing Teachers. I thank them for the community they provide. Read more slices here.

I don’t want to tell you about how dazzling it is as the morning sun hits the windows of the wall of skyscrapers in the distance.

Because you need to know about other things.

I don’t want to tell you about the snow on the mountains as grey cloud meets white sky.

Because you need to know about other things.

I don’t want to tell you about the chatty bird song that calls out above the busy hum of traffic.

Because you need to know about other things.

I don’t want to tell you about the simple beauty of spring buds, bare winter trees or fall leaf carpets that I notice before the busy of the day settles.

You need to know about other things.

This morning walk, made daily, is so full of calm and hope and promise.

It is time to believe. To gather strength.

Soon, it’s time for the other things.

Slammed doors

9 a.m. tears

Bruised pride

Leftover anger

Yesterday’s clothes

Not yet breakfast

Brought along upset

“I can’t.”

“No!”

“Don’t!”

I don’t want to tell you about that sweet bird song, those cold snowy mountains, that early morning sun. Or that quiet green bud that says everything is possible.

That yellow leaf that I crouch down to pick up and carry with me is mine.

I don’t want to tell you because you don’t need to know.

I keep it close. I need it all. It’s my reserve that gets refilled each morning. All day I draw from it as I try to navigate the day.

Sometimes, I can make pieces of it appear in this room full of children I teach.

These children who need to know about other things.

I am participating in the Slice of Life challenge to write and publish a post every day in March.

Slice of Life is hosted by Two Writing Teachers. I thank them for the community they provide. Read more slices here.

When the day starts with a pop up heart, there is room for many things.

I received this heart from a little girl visiting my class early this morning. It seemed to set the tone for a day full of extra big feelings.

It’s like this heart followed me around all day today directing me to sit down in the middle of it all and notice. Appreciate. Be happy.

And somehow, at every turn, I just could.

I sat and watched a colleague talk about favourite Robert Munsch titles with one boy. Soon another child was listening in. Then another and another. They sprawled over each other, spreading books around. And then they toddled off each holding a book or two like it was a grand prize. One girl was left. She was reading Murmel, Murmel, Murmel aloud – a longer picture book than she normally attempts. Part way through she looked at both of us watching her. We both said it, although we didn’t have to. “Hey you, little reader, you are reading that!”

Our afternoon read aloud was captivating. Nobody sat to the side. Children kept moving closer. They squeezed in at my edges, leaning in to look more carefully at the pictures. They posed questions that hung in the air until another child picked them up and gave them weight. My favourite response? “He’s doing lots of imaginationing.”

I cut birthday cake. It was a whipped cream goopy mess. The pieces were all different sizes. Some had fruit. Some didn’t. The plates were different colours.  I called everyone over and let them choose. Another day and there could have been pushing, accusations and huge complaints. Today, each child considered, then selected, and then enjoyed. Cake eating peace.

We were cleaned up 5 minutes early. Unheard of in my room. I asked for gratitude statements and many children wanted to share. Many were grateful that a child had a birthday that day and that there was cake. They were grateful for the morning walk we did. Grateful for adults who had spent time with us.

Just after the children were dismissed, one girl ran back in.

“Oh and Ms. Gelson, I am grateful too! I am grateful for the book and the drawing on the board. It was a great day!”

Yes, indeed, it was.

When the day starts with a pop up heart, happiness comes first.

I am participating in the Slice of Life challenge to write and publish a post every day in March.

Slice of Life is hosted by Two Writing Teachers. I thank them for the community they provide. Read more slices here.

Mondays are long and challenging and never over. That sounds like complaining and it is. It’s 4:12 p.m. and I can’t decide whether I need chocolate or coffee or to just bury myself in a book for an hour and wait for it to get dark so it might be Tuesday soon.

I am thinking back over the day at what I have collected. Why am I so exhausted? What is weighing me down? If I put it here on this page, can I let it go? Can I literally unload it and walk away unburdened?

Some of it is tangible stuff.

A pink bouncy ball that wasn’t supposed to be bounced all around the room endlessly until I had to grab it.

2 plastic guns that should never have come to school and are now living in my little file cabinet where the confiscated stuff goes because the parent I tried to return them to told me he’s never seen them. Fabulous. Can plastic guns be recycled?

A paper clip that has been fashioned into a pointy thingy and will lead to nothing good.

A file in my head of all of the tattles I wasn’t quite prepared for:

“________ stuck up the middle finger at me.”

“________ said the f word and that I was a dumb a ___.”

 

Auto replay of all the things I said that I didn’t really expect to say like:

“Give me the gun. Now.” (those plastic ones)

“I am going to hire a security guard for the cloakroom.” (serious thieving happens there)

“Stop stripping the books!” (One child compulsively removes book jackets to find surprises. Serves me right, I’ve taught them to do this.)

“Enough of the kook-a-mung-a-ing” (Is that a thing? It was right after recess)

The shake my head but it won’t shake out stuff that adults did or might do that I can’t even talk about. But wow does it weigh me down.

These things I have collected.

But I also have other pieces. They are sitting on the outskirts waiting for me to notice them. Can I rebuild my day into something to smile at? Tired smiles still count.

Tear traces on the shoulder of my sweater from the child that doesn’t easily cry. That tears came so soon after sadness descended is a good sign. Really.

A paper bracelet sized multiple times to my wrist and fastened with masking tape that says “I leve you” in scrawly pencil.

The “you are reading this for me,” acknowledgement from the child who realized that the picture book we read this morning really was selected for him.

I am now at the top of a hill. I place everything down and unload my bag. One deep breath. A gaze to the horizon. Repacking. Back in go those tear traces, that paper bracelet, that quiet acknowledgement.

Collections from a day.

I am participating in the Slice of Life challenge to write and publish a post every day in March.

Slice of Life is hosted by Two Writing Teachers. I thank them for the community they provide. Read more slices here.

Hey little one, your grief can be here. Sit beside me. Your sadness roars like a rushing river – loud, flowing, scary. It swirls and surges. Sometimes it pulls me along. I let it carry me with you. I don’t feel that terrible pain you feel. But I feel you.

I see when it’s anger. You stomp and grunt and make blustery sounds, irksome and irritating and full of rage.

I see when it’s darkness and you hide. Under the table. Behind your defiance. Beside your very large silence.

I see when it’s confusion. Your tired eyes speak of anxious nights far from sleep.

I see when you shine, giddy with relief when something distracts you and pulls you away. There is room for happiness too, of course.

Oh little one, I can only give to you. I can’t take it away. This grief is yours to carry.

I give you books to devour. Papers to rip. Walls to push. Staircases to race with me. As we run, you chase the heavy feelings away. For a while.

I give you space and calm. Patience and my hand. I forgive you when you stand close to me after hours of explosions. No need for words. It’s over for today.

I give you stories where you can see yourself. We read them together and let the images wash over us like a huge wave that soaks us and then slowly recedes back to the sea. I read them aloud and then leave them with you. Other children reside in those pages. They too feel your anger and pain and sorrow. Like you, they try to protect memories. They search for a way to hold them pure and safe against the inevitable fading.

I watch you as you find yourself in the angry eyes of that little boy who wonders why all those other children can walk hand and hand with their mothers just like he once did with his. I speak it for you when you think you shouldn’t. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. It feels so wrong. You are lighter after these books, not darker. Meeting the truth, nestling into it, gives us some temporary peace.

So little one, grieve here. Grieve loud. And soft. And bravely. I know it’s now because it wasn’t when. I know it’s ugly because it hurts so much. I also know that in small moments, it might be beautiful. When a memory comes along with a smile. Tell me about her dark hair. What she called you. Those words she said. These things are yours. Say them out loud and they become stronger.  I want to hear.

Now little one, feel safe. I don’t judge your unexpected ways. Grief has no road map. So little and so alone, your path is especially treacherous. You have moved past the land of sad and stunned. You no longer live in a world of quiet and compliant. You have reached the place where this grief floods all that you are. It pulls and pushes. Sometimes you fight it. Sometimes you sit and refuse to move. Sometimes you kick everything in sight.

You are in it. It is the boat you must steer to shore. I imagine you there floating in the rocky waves. Shrieking back at the squawking sea birds. Watching day become night and night become day.

Sometimes, I cry because I know you don’t. Little one, little grieving girl, I am here.

I am participating in the Slice of Life challenge to write and publish a post every day in March.

Slice of Life is hosted by Two Writing Teachers. I thank them for the community they provide. Read more slices here.

I live in a strange city. It is framed by mountains. Edged by ocean. Cleansed by frequent rains. It is stunningly beautiful and increasingly inaccessible. Too expensive for almost everyone. It has definite boundaries. Not so much a rich/poor division. But absolute areas of wealth and privilege. And areas of absolute not. This used to be a pure east, west divide but that has blurred. Everywhere is expensive and the gentrification has pushed into areas once ignored and avoided.

Now there are small pockets. Pieces of the city where addiction, pain and damage reign supreme. Places where you either don’t look or you don’t know. Places where many don’t go if they don’t have to. Places we pretend aren’t there.

One intersection is infamous. Main and Hastings. Pick a corner and you can find lots of things; many you don’t want to find. Of course you see what you perceive. Some see addicts and crime and various unsavoury elements of the human condition. A place of fear and danger. Others see addiction and pain and vulnerability. A place of inequity and need. Some people avert their eyes. Others stare in disbelief.

Every time I pass, I search. I look for what I never want to see: past students now on the streets. Current students in unsafe situations. This corner is not far from where I teach. It is the not too distant past of many of our families. If has lures still faintly planted in dangerous and precarious ways.

This morning, I went by on the bus before 7:30 a.m. on the way to a literacy conference. Much of the city was still quiet and empty. Not here. There were people everywhere. As usual, I scanned the corners, the streets and nearby alleys, focussed on what I didn’t want to find. Quickly relieved, I allowed myself to absorb the details of what I saw. To just notice.

What I found was not what I expected. I worried about danger and risk but I saw gentle and kind and tenderness.

An old grandpa walked steadily behind his young grandson who ran in circles ahead and back. He had his grandfather’s cane and he waved it wildly through the air giggling. He roared into circles of pecking pigeons, scattering them briefly before they settled down again. He garnered smiles from a toothless woman teetering against a building. His grandpa engaged him in chatter and reprimands. He smiled big and bright, spreading morning sunshine as he ran.

An old man was supported by a younger woman hardly steadier or stronger to walk down the street. They leaned into each other, needing to stop but carrying on. Her right arm stretched out to balance them as she teetered on too high heels. Too high for morning. Too high for walking. Just fine for helping.

Three figures huddled around a doorway where someone had camped out, still partially prone under a sleeping bag. Shopping bags filled with belongings were stashed against a wall. The four of them spoke intently and I watched ever so briefly as 2 coffee cups were passed back and forth, steam still rising.

I looked to see what I didn’t want to see. I found what I didn’t expect. Of course, it’s there. The connection, the care, the living. My fear occupies such a large space, it wasn’t allowing me to see it.

But eyes on the corner, judgement to the side, I was humbled.

I am participating in the Slice of Life challenge to write and publish a post every day in March.

Slice of Life is hosted by Two Writing Teachers. I thank them for the community they provide. Read more slices here.

There’s been a bit of a theme as I’ve listened in these past few weeks. A Mom theme.

“Where is your real Mom?”

“How many Moms do you have?”

“My Mom is visiting a guy. I don’t know when she’s coming back.”

“I have 2 Moms. And 2 Dads I guess. But I don’t know one of the Dads.”

“I miss my Mom.”

“I don’t know where my Mom is.”

“Do you live with your Mom?”

“She’s sad I think because she wants to see her Mom.”

“I want to make a card for my Mom. But how will I give it to her?”

“My Mom got married and she moved to a new place.”

Absent Moms. Back and forth Moms. Not quite ready Moms. Dead Moms.

This is the Mom theme in my room.

I am a Mom. I am their teacher. And I am really, really human. So often, I want to step in and be the Mom. I am fully qualified. I can give snuggles, establish bedtimes, bake muffins, walk hand in hand. I can read bedtime stories, match socks, clap the loudest at soccer games and dance performances. I can love large and unconditionally. I can treat for lice and stay up half the night when illness happens. I can beam with pride and deliver huge hugs. I can take good care.

But I have to have boundaries. They need me to be their teacher. I can’t take them all home.

Sometimes, when I see Mom touches, it’s really emotional. Because so much of what I see are signs of missing Moms. The freshly braided hair. The carefully packed snack. The collared shirt under the sweater. Clipped fingernails. Little, tiny signs. Mom presence.

There is no judgement. It’s just how it is.

But this Mom theme, it gets me big.

I am participating in the Slice of Life challenge to write and publish a post every day in March.

Slice of Life is hosted by Two Writing Teachers. I thank them for the community they provide. Read more slices here.